Question: How far is the distance between the body and the mind?
Answer: i don't know, sorry :(
As I grow older (and learn to recognize my body’s signals), I find myself coming back to this question often. Maybe the boundaries between the two seem hazy to me because I am a woman; I have a lot of conflicting sentiments about my flesh vessel, I’ll admit. Who doesn’t?
On one hand, I am compelled to acknowledge that my appearance influences my mental state. It’s nice living in a body that aligns with your vision of yourself—transgender people will testify to that, I’m sure. And even I experience this, to some extent. I like when my hair is dyed blue, and I like the fact that I wear glasses. I would never show up to prom in a fancy dress because it makes me feel on display, like I were a doll (personal preference, though). Everybody can relate to dressing up in clothing that makes you comfortable, not just physically but emotionally. Still, something about that universal experience is profoundly disturbing to me. With one dimension in particular: why do I let my physical state affect my mental state?
This debate reminds me of the time when, in middle school, a boy approached me and said I was ugly. I have no idea where he wanted me to go with this, but I agreed with him—which promptly shut him up. The thing is, I have learned through strenuous effort and energy not to place an emphasis on my appearance. I assess my value on my moral character and my intelligence, not the way an arbitrary Other will view me; I genuinely did not care, then or now, about being labeled “ugly.” I was offended because he was imparting his judgment of my value as if his opinion somehow mattered more than my own.
The point is this: women are taught to judge their value based on their usefulness to men. Which is to say, a lot of the time, our sex appeal. Which is to say our beauty. Which is to say our body. I was given this education like every other woman around me; unlearning this has been one of the greatest challenges of my life. “Don’t care about your appearance so much,” though often said with goodwill, actually entails a very difficult set of sub-tasks: revisit the times you have been taught that your appearance matters. Assess the impacts that those moments have had on your self-perception. Logically convince yourself that your appearance comes with no moral character. Look at yourself. Look at yourself again; this time, completely objectively. If all else fails, think of the many good qualities you have that aren’t your beauty; ask yourself whether they matter more, or if your appearance does. Affirm that you are more than your body.
I am disgusted with myself whenever I see someone and hear (at the back of my mind), they’re so much prettier than me. I know it’s not “me,” technically; I don’t control the voice inside my head, and I certainly disagree with her a bunch. Still, knowing that my neurological network gives rise to this type of ideation is disturbing in my eyes. The perpetrator is among us, inside me actually, I am the victim and I am also the offender and oh god I hope I never think anything like that ever again.